Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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