They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
