OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize