I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
