either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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