i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
