My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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