The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
