I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
