Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
