and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
