Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just gift wrapped bread.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
