Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
