I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
NoShamevember. You game?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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