i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
