This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
