end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
