The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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