Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I had to cum in my sink.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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