You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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