Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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