Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
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