This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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