Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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