he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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