I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
