Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
