If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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