He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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