i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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