Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
