dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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