I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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