Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
