Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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