I murdered the dance floor call the cops
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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