So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
