We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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