woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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