i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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