1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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