Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Drunk is a universal language darling
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
