the condom got lost in my hair
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
