how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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