I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
