no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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