Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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