my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
