i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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