I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
