I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
