Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
