Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Your cock deserves a montage
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
