Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize