I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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