I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
