i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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