rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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