when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
