I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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