Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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